Starting Over

Ok, so I'm determine to blog and stick with it rather than blog for a week straight, then every other week, then once a month, and then just forget about it lol.

As most of you know from either knowing me personally or from seeing my other blogs and if you don't know me since this is public, I have a son named Grayson who will be 2 years old in April of this year. Over the past few months (I'd say about August when he started walking and transitioning from being a baby to a toddler), we noticed a few things were I guess you'd say off about him. We were more concerned about him walking so late but shrugged it off as normal and it is after speaking to some doctors and specialists. If he wasn't walking by 18 month, than there would be a concern. He started walking at 16 months. He was more afraid to do so than not knowing how to. Oh, he knew how! He was just lazy and scared lol. But then he started getting very frustrated when it came to certain things like communicating with TC (my husband) and I, throwing more tantrums than he should, "hurting" himself and not learning that, "hey that hurts. I need to stop". I KNOW this is a toddler thing no doubt. They grow out of it and move on. I can't describe how he was other than mother intuition. In August a family friend came to me and what I was describing sounded like SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). I was a little hesitant about it all and was like, "oh no he's a toddler"....but then I started doing some research and some have said that I was a hypochondriac because you know what that means: someone researches something and is like, "omg I have all of the symptoms so I must have this!" I wasn't like that. I listed the symptoms he had and listed the ones he didn't. TC and I brought all of this to Grayson's pediatrician who took us very seriously and referred us to a developmental pediatrician just to see what was going on and to give us better tools to work with him. That was in August and we were on a 1-2 waiting list. But in the middle of January (just a few weeks ago), we got a phone call from the developmental pediatrician's office to schedule him an appointment. We just had that appointment this past Monday. The developmental pediatrician was EXCELLENT! She listened to us, we were able to be straight up honest with her, and she evaluated Grayson with such patience and got down on his level. She was just absolutely WONDERFUL! He's on track with everything: his speech, milestones, fine motor skills, etc. There are just a few minor things that she's concerned about like the fact that he runs his words together, that he can't do simple things a toddler his age should be doing and that's normal. Every child is different. Every child learns differently, at their own pace and on their own time. Just because one child his age walked at 10-12 months, doesn't mean Grayson should. Just because a toddler his age talks very well, doesn't mean Grayson should at the same time. Every child takes their own time doing their own thing. And it's vice versa where Grayson is doing things other children his age aren't doing yet. Now if he completely doesn't ever do them or he does them very late like say age 3 or 4, than yes there'll be a concern.

With all of this said, the developmental pediatrician says that he MAY have a VERY MILD case of autism meaning that now that we caught it very early and we'll be getting him the help he needs, it probably won't get worse. In fact, it could disappear all on its own or at least be controlled enough where no one will ever know that he has a mild case of autism. If we nip it in the bud now, he'll live a life just like anyone else where he'll be in school in regular classes and everything. So many people keep asking me why I'm saying this and why I'm getting my hopes up when I'm not. If we can't control it and it does get worse, we'll deal with it. But I'm confident that we'll nip this in the bud and be able to control it where he won't have to be in special needs in school....and there's absolutely NOTHING wrong that if he does.

A lot of people keep telling me this is so sad and ask me how I'm coping with it. To me, it's not sad. I've been around a form of autism my whole life with my brother. My brother, Dakota, has a learning disability and speech problem and has been like that since he was very little. I believe in my heart that his speech problem came from the umbilical cord being wrapped around his neck so tightly when he was born. So, this is nothing new to me and it's nothing new to TC either. TC's brother used to be in special need classes when he was in school due to ADHD and other factors that I'm not sure what they are. So, I'm "coping" with it just fine. Grayson is the same child with the same problems he's been having. And I can't help but to blame myself as a parent. I only say that because TC and I weren't ready for a baby. We didn't know what to do or how to do it. But that's any parent with their first child, at least the part where you have no clue what you're doing lol. When Grayson was younger though, we messed up big time by putting Grayson in front of the tv ALL of the time. The tv stays on and we're trying really hard to break that. It loses Grayson focus on learning things that he should be learning. We're not horrible parents by doing that. We didn't disown our child and said, "here! Here's the tv! Have at it!" But we did put the tv in front of him because that was the only thing that would distract him long enough to let us get things done that we needed to do. We're working on that. We're trying to limit ourselves on the phone, computer, video games, and any other technology. It's going to be hard because although we were growing up while technology was really coming into focus, we weren't like kids now a days where we relied so much on technology. But now we've come accustomed to it where we rely on it, and we need to break that. We need to spend more time than we were with Grayson. We need to put down everything and forget about everything while we're spending time with Grayson. I know this is sad, but I honestly don't know a time where I didn't have my phone on me while playing with Grayson. And no, I'm not on my phone all of the time where I'm more focused on it than Grayson. No, I constantly have it on me to take a picture of him doing something funny or being sweet, I constantly have it on me to post a status about what Grayson is doing or the funny thing he said or did. And why? All of my friends don't need to know every aspect of his life. Yes, they enjoy the funny stories and cute pictures, and I'm not saying I'll stop doing that all together....but I need to LIMIT myself when doing those things. While I'm playing with Grayson, sure take a picture or two but don't spend 10 minutes trying to make it all cute on Instagram. Save it for later and if I forget to post it, who cares? I need to just stop having my phone with me when I'm spending time with Grayson, period. I'm more worse at it than TC. Heck, to be honest I'm the only one who does it. TC's phone is usually cut off due to not paying the bill lol but that's how he likes it so he doesn't have to reply on it or have an excuse to be on it all of the time.

These are just a few things I want to change as a family, for myself and when it comes to Grayson:

1. BE MORE PATIENT! This one is HUGE for our family and any family whether they hide it behind close doors or let it all hang out in the open. Everyone is so inpatient about everything! But forget about everyone else, WE as a family (TC and I) need to be more patient period but ESPECIALLY when it comes to Grayson. We constantly get frustrated when Grayson makes a mess. We constantly just up and jump on Grayson by yelling when we don't mean to, it's just I guess a quick reaction, a reflex if you will. We constantly get so frustrated when Grayson doesn't do something we want him to do. So instead of just reacting so quickly, we're going to count to 10, take a deep breath, get down on Grayson's level, and calmly explain that he can't do these things that he's doing or calmly explain to him that his bad behavior and physical behavior isn't nice. The past 2 days, I have done this and I have seen SUCH a dramatic change not only with Grayson but with myself too. Grayson hasn't thrown as near as many tantrums in the past 2 days after seeing me be calm. MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO! TC absolutely hates when I say that because I have overused the phrase lol but it's so true! Everything we do, Grayson wants to do. Every reaction we give him, he's going to give us. Any time we yell, Grayson's going to yell. And any time we spank him, he's going to want to hit us.

2. STRAY AWAY FROM SPANKINGS AND ANY PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE! When it comes to discipline, I want to stop with the physical and no we don't beat our child! We simply pop his leg hard enough to get his attention but light enough not to leave a bruise or even a red mark or hand print. That's not spanking, that's abuse if you leave a bruise or hand print, I mean come on! Any way, there are SO many other ways to discipline than spankings. And this one's going to be harder for TC than it will be me. Not only because he's the man and feels like he needs to be the disciplinarian, but also because of how his dad "disciplined" him. We won't go into that but you see where I'm going with this. I want to use time outs, get down on Grayson's level, take things away from him, etc. No more spankings because those weren't working in the first place! When Grayson hits us, we automatically want to hit him back wherever it was that he hit us. Whenever he bites us, head butts us, yells at us, etc. we want to do the same back to him. But what is that teaching? Not a darn thing other than the fact he thinks it's ok to do these things since we're doing them back to him. He thinks it's a game and we're not getting anywhere with this "strategy".

3. STOP WORRYING ABOUT MESSES! It's seriously JUST a mess! Kids are ALWAYS going to spill things. Heck, I STILL spill things and make a mess whether it's from cooking, cleaning, by accident, etc. It's JUST a mess! It is cleanable! When Grayson breaks something, it's fixable, it's replaceable and if it's neither one of those things, yes we'll be upset but we have to stop and realize, "hey! if it's not replaceable, if it's not fixable...than it shouldn't have been at Grayson's reach! But when we react to Grayson making a mess or breaking something by giving him a negative reaction, that's NOT cleanable! How we make him feel can NEVER be taken back no matter how much we tell him that we're sorry. The damage has been done when it comes to his feelings. And no, I'm not going to baby my child...but I do care about his feelings. I do care about how I MAKE him feel and I don't want that to be a negative feeling or emotion. Both TC and I had to deal with some kind of abuse when we were kids. More physical abuse with TC and more emotional abuse with me. Both of us agree that we don't want Grayson to go through that. We don't want him to feel like we did. Grayson will ALWAYS know that we love him, but we not only need to SAY that we do, but SHOW him that we do by treating him with patience and kindness ALL OF THE TIME REGARDLESS if he has a disorder or not.

4. SPEND MORE TIME AS A FAMILY. So many times, I catch myself constantly on my laptop, constantly on my phone when I'm wasting precious time with my family that I'll NEVER get back. There's no going back in time and reliving those moments. The phone and the laptop will ALWAYS be there and they'll look the same as they did when we put them down and pick them back up...but our family? We're constantly growing. We're constantly changing. A laptop and phone don't. The contents on the phone and laptop do but that's not important. Soon, Grayson will be a teenager and won't ever want to spend time with TC and I. We'll be boring and stupid and just, "URGHHH! MOM/DAD YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSING!" So we need to live in the moment. We need to cherish these moments and say screw the rest! Grayson will only be this little so long. He'll only want to spend time with us and want our attention for so long. Work can wait, the cars can wait, the laptops and phones and tv and video games CAN WAIT! Grayson cannot!

5. SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR GRAYSON! TC and I love each other so much and Grayson sees that. But what couple doesn't argue? What couple doesn't fight and yell at each other? We need to stop that especially in front of Grayson. I wouldn't want Grayson to treat his spouse the way TC and I SOMETIMES treat each other. I wouldn't want my grandchildren to witness Grayson and his spouse to argue. Because I'll tell you one thing that is true! When parents argue, it doesn't matter if we don't ever say our children's names in the conversation, we don't even have to mention ANYTHING about them....and they STILL think that it's their fault their parents are arguing. I've been there, TC has been there and it's no fun at all! It's not a pretty picture either. So instead of arguing in front of Grayson or heck even arguing PERIOD, we're going to start acting like adults and talking to each like adults ALL OF THE TIME and not just MOST OF THE TIME or SOMETIMES. When we feel like we're about to have an argument, feel ourselves getting frustrated with one another, feel ourselves want to yell and scream to the top of our lungs at one another, or even are at that point that we physically are doing these things...we need to take a time out. We need to separate ourselves from each other, go to 2 different rooms, count to 10, take a deep breath, analyze the situation, think about what we're going to CALMLY tell each other, and take turns telling each other how we feel CALMLY. And we need to do these same things when we find ourselves about to get frustrated with Grayson or find ourselves wanting to yell at Grayson or when we're in the middle of doing so. And when TC yells at Grayson or when I see that he's about to get frustrated with Grayson, I need to tell him to go take a time out and vice versa for TC when I'm yelling or when TC feels like I'm getting frustrated with Grayson.

6. BE ON THE SAME PAGE AND COMMUNIATE CONSTANTLY! TC and I constantly talk about everything. When we're calm and we talk about being on the same page, we're like, "yes we're going to do this, we're going to stop being so frustrated and change," but then when something aggravates us, it's like all of that went out of the window even if we JUST talked about it 5 minutes prior of being aggravated. We need to communicate how Grayson acts when one and not both of us are with Grayson. We need to communicate on what we want to change and be consistent about it instead of letting it go. We need to be on the same page with discipline, how we treat Grayson, how we treat each other, everything! And as parents we need to find a middle ground where we agree 100%. One of us can't be sweet with Grayson and the other be firm and ugly. Grayson will get confused and he'll eventually favor the one who's sweet and despise the one who isn't.

7. GIVE GRAYSON MORE PRAISE THAN DISCIPLINE. Praises need to out number the negativity that comes with discipline. We're so quick to tell Grayson what he's doing wrong but sometimes forget about the good things he does do. I don't want Grayson to ever feel like we don't appreciate him being good because we appreciate it so much! But often times forget to tell him or even acknowledge it. We fuss at him so much that you'd think he was always bad lol and that's not the case at all! When he picks something up from the floor, praise him. And not just, "yay good job!" but tell him why he did a good job even if he knows. I want to make sure he knows that WE know. So instead of just saying, "yay Grayson!", I want to say, "Grayson thank you for picking up your toys for me. That was very nice and very helpful and you did so well!" Even if Grayson pitches a fit but eventually does something we want or need him to do, we still need to praise him for finally doing it because than he may not be as hesitant about doing it the next time. It'll take time of course but being consistent and repeating it, it'll get better.

8. BE CONSISTENT! Going back to #6 here. We need to be consistent about literally everything! Bed time, meal time, discipline, etc. Grayson has never been on a sleep schedule or a schedule period and before anyone judges me, I've literally tried EVERYTHING but we won't go there either because I could write a book! But the thing is, yeah we'll be consistent for a week and give up. NO! We need to stay consistent and show Grayson that WE are in charge, not him. When it comes to meal time and Grayson refuses to eat what's in front of him, we need to be consistent instead of giving him his way and give him say a cookie or fix him something completely different. Now of course if we fix something that he can't have like anything spicy or anything that has something in it that he can't have from his allergies...than of course we're going to fix him something different. But what I'm saying is that he's going to at least try it and we need to be consistent with that instead of giving him his way and instead of giving up just because we don't want a tantrum. When we discipline him, instead of using threats like, "if you don't do this, I'm going to do this!" we need to follow through with them. Yes, give him a warning or two, count to three...and if he doesn't listen after those warnings or after we count to three than put him in time out, take toys away from him, etc until he realizes what he did was wrong or until his behavior changes.

9. TEACH GRAYSON MANNERS! Now Grayson does know manners. It's not like we don't ever say them or we don't ever teach him. We're constantly saying thank you, please, yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir, sorry, etc. But when it comes to getting frustrated, we kind of forget to use our manners. We say, 'STOP!" with such attitude and in a yelling tone instead of calmly saying, "please don't do that." or "please stop." We do this a lot with the dog and although we're not directing that towards Grayson, MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO! Lol! He's in the stage where he's copying us...not necessarily all of our words thank you the Lord, but most definitely our actions. We spank the dog, Grayson thinks it's ok to hit the dog. We point our finger at Grayson when trying to discipline him, Grayson points his little finger at us. I know it's only a matter of time until he starts repeating what we SAY and oh boy will that be adventure! Lol!

10. PICK OUR BATTLES WITH GRAYSON! Instead of telling Grayson that he's going to do this, he's going to wear this, etc., give him options so it'll not only distract him from feeling like we're being bossy although we are the bosses, but it'll also give him a say so. We need to choose three toys for him to take with him in the car and then let him choose ONE. Easier said than done since he'll more than likely want to bring all three and that's ok if he does...but it'll save time and save a from going into tantrum when he tries to decide which toy to bring out of those three rather than pick a toy out of the forty plus in his room. It'll also teach him that he can have some control along with us having control.

There are so many things I want to change and I'm not changing or wanting to change because he may have a disorder. We should have done this a LONG time ago and now we have an "excuse" I guess you can say to change. But we shouldn't have to reply on an excuse. But if that's what it's going to take, than so be it. We're first time parents. We're going to screw up. We're going to make mistakes...but we'll also learn from it. Even if we have multiple kids, we're still going to screw up and make mistakes. That's human! That's what parenthood is. We'll be ok. We'll overcome all of these obstacles. We'll get through them and tackle them. And we'll be better and stronger people in the end regardless if Grayson has a disorder or not. Because EVERY parent needs to do these things regardless of anything. It should be in our nature to do these things for our children no matter what.